Sometimes when it's late at night and Hal and I are holding hands under the covers, trading stories of yesteryear while caressing one another sweetly on the cheek, Hal turns to me...
"Rebecca?" he says. "Are you sure Archer's mine?"
At which point I usually kick him in the face. Okay, so I don't do that. But I do roll my eyes and cross my arms and shake my head and do that whole annoyed sigh/groan thing.
"No, Hal, he's not yours. He's some other dude's I stole away to screw while you and I were hovering about Los Angeles on clouds of spanking-new-love-lust. Arghghhakjshjkadk!"
This isn't a new evening ritual. Hal's been commenting about Archer's "real father" since Archer was born, half-jokingly of course. But there is a small part of him that has doubts. Especially now that Archer refers to Hal not as "Daddy" but as "Hal" ... Nothing like publicly calling his daddy by his first name to justify Hal's reasoning for questioning.
A close friend of mine who also got pregnant after dating her boyfriend a relatively short time also has this issue.
"He asks me all the time if our baby is his. The other day he asked me to take a paternity test! Like the kind they do on Jerry Springer!"
"But she looks exactly like him!" I said.
"I know! He's out of his mind!"
I felt her pain. Except for some reason the whole "are you sure it's mine, baby" thing seems to be something that effects many baby's daddies. I recently spoke to a friend whose pregnancy was planned and her husband often doubts his paternity as well. Especially when he and his wife get into a fight.
"He's the mailman's kid, isn't he?"
Of course, such comments have been made since the beginning of time.
(Can you imagine how it was for Joseph? I mean, God knocked up his wife for Christ sake.* That's waaaay more serious than a mailman. Or even a UPS man for that matter.)
To be honest, I don't blame Hal or any father for having his doubts now and then. Sometimes I look at Archer and wonder if he's mine and I carried him in my body and saw with my own eyes as he exited my body and into the world.
So, yeah. It's weird and I get it. Kind of. But seriously... Really? Really. Are we seriously still having this conversation, two and a half years later? And will we be having it still, in two more years. Please say, no, because.... sighgroansigh. Sigh. Groan.
Because, yes, Hal, unless God impregnated me with the new Messiah, you are the father. Congratulations, babe. He's beautiful and perfect and yours. Now can we please go to bed?
GGC
*Heh.
