Okay. I Take it Back. I'm in No Rush.

The wonders of pregnancy and childbirth are that as soon as it's over it's forgotten. When I think of being pregnant, I think of my first six months. A mere five pounds gained, no morning sickness, super cute maternity clothes, high heels and rocking the belly like it was some kind of new accessory. I LOVED being pregnant... At first. (Before the pre-eclampsia and the swollen EVERYTHING and the whole 200 pounds thing and being bedridden and monitored four days a week and, oh yeah, the last month was pure hell.) But I don't think of that when I look back on my pregnancy. I literally picture myself in red leather boots and camo belly pants, Diane Von Furstenberg flowing tops, running all over town, glowing and excited and counting down the days until I met Mr. Archer Sage. I picture myself as I was in my first six months: somewhat attractive, relatively comfortable in my skin.

Today, while digging through proof sheet archives for a gift, I came across the few remaining photos of me (gulp) just after giving birth (gulp, gulp) Most of them had been confiscated but the following three photos somehow (and sadly) survived:

Behold: Cute baby, bloated Mommy. And wtf happened to my nose? That thing should have it's own zipcode!

Just keep looking at the baby, Huzzy. And don't worry. You don't have to have sex with me for six weeks.

Indeed, if there is any way for me to prolong my second pregnancy, it's got to be these photos, because yes, Archer is adorable (you can barely make him out below my GIANT HEAD) but I am an absolute beast. Call me selfish, shallow, whatever, but I'd like to enjoy the fact that my nose is no longer melted across my face, for at least another year. I'm not ready to lose my eyes to enormously chubby cheeks.

I'm well aware I'm far from perfect but I'm also far from this (I think):

 Can someone please photoshop me out of this beautiful family portrait? I'm really spoiling the vibe.

Call me shallow but I'm not ready to kiss my body goodbye, no matter how hard said body is telling me otherwise.

Now if you will please excuse me, I have a prescription for Ortho Tri-Cy to fill. Like, um... Now.


GGC