Why is it that I drink green tea every day and still, I cannot learn to love it? And why is it that I'm still getting porn spam from the job I worked two years ago?
First off, I would like to talk about life without coffee. Have you ever started your period at the gym while wearing white? Have you ever accidentally farted on a date? Have you ever gotten caught picking your nose at a stoplight by Ben Affleck? Because add all of that shit up and it's STILL NOT AS BAD as life without coffee.
I know, I know. There's decaf. Decaf coffee. Hmmm... Something wrong with decaf and coffee in the same sentence, like non-alcoholic beer. Um, WHO DRINKS IT? Not me. I want results from my beverages. Alcohol? I don't have to be flash-Mack trucks-out-the-sunroof-wasted to enjoy a stiff* one. Just a buzz is fine, but I need AT LEAST some *tingling* otherwise what the hell's the point? And coffee? If it can't wake me up and make me feel like a chipper smiley-face, then it has no place in my body. Whatsoever.
Maybe the problem is that I know green tea is good for me and for some reason THAT'S really annoying. I am forced to be even more anal about my eating. I am a permanent grump on wheels with my green salad and my green juice and green sensibilities and my green frigging tea. Gah!
Secondly, I may have to retire my beloved gmail account (which I have always used for work purposes) which is sad because I got in there early and was able to get myname@gmail dot com which is always awesome and exciting. Not awesome and/or exciting are the over 2,000 spam emails I get daily. Yes- DAILY from very "physical" and sometimes frightening websites. I will not go into graphic detail but the words "fist" and "donkey" are popular names for attached jpegs.
Before you get all "ewww! GGC is a perv with a porn addiction," (for the record I have NO PROBLEM with pornography and even enjoy it from time to time) lemme explain: I wrote copy for an adult website while I was pregnant and through Archer's first four months.
The story is kind of funny actually because I applied for the job online "duh" and was perhaps hired based on an essay I wrote for a friend's magazine in which I used the word "fuck" and "sex" quite a few times. When I went in for the interview I was five months pregnant and was very creative with my fashion in order to hide my "with child-ness" in case you know, a bunch of porn dudes weren't so keen on making a pregnant chick their head* copy editor. I wrote for the website for 6 months. I interviewed "adult models" while breastfeeding and typed up "sexy" copy while hooked up to the Medela Pump-Master 5000. Yes, that's right. I wrote about "firm tits and ass" whilst being milked like a cow by a fucking machine. HIGH FIVE!
The job was awesome and my boss was way cool and I got to chat up some brilliant young women, including (my personal favorite) "Kitty" who when I asked her what she thought was sexy, replied, after a long breathy pause, "Vegetables. I have always found vegetables sexy." Um. WTF? Vegetables? Turns out she was a vegan and a green tea drinker. Of course she was. Figures.
Another one of my favorite interviews includes the following exchange:
Me: What is your biggest regret? (I know, I was getting DEEP*, dudes.)
Bobbi: Probably that I didn't start writing my dreams down until recently.
Me: Ouch. That's gotta be tough. Are you writing them down now?
Bobbi: Every night!
Me: So tell me, Bobbi? What's the very last dream you had?
Bobbi: Um. (Silence) Um.... (More silence followed by tapping) I actually don't remember...
So, yeah. The job was pretty sweet. I learned so much and really got to grow as a serious journalist. Screw war-coverage. I was in the trenches* and I was sorry to see the job go, truth be told. (Turns out no one READS the words on an adult site. Psh, whatever.) I was NOT sorry, however, to see the emails go. All those pesky forwards were getting a little exhausting.
And guess what? They still are because they never WENT AWAY. The internet is some sort of genius, I guess, because even after my email address was deleted from "adult website" server, my "personal address" is still being hit, HARD.*
And after I recently sent several query emails for editorial work through my gmail account, I am afraid I will never know if an editor wants to work with me. I fear that important emails are getting lost in my warped gmail e-abyss, overlooked between emails from Angie Asscrack and Randi Roadhead and I will NEVER write in this town again. *Sniff* Or any town. For money. Money to buy GREEN TEABAGS* for the rest of my days. *Double Sniff*
You said it, comic Archer. You said it.
GGC
*no pun(s) intended
