I'm pretty sure 90% of people drive like assholes and it isn't just in L.A. I have never been anywhere where people drove like humans. Nope. It's pretty much an international problem. Anyone can drive a car these days. Hell! Anyone can drive a Mack truck or a Winnebago.I have never been a passive driver. I balance my kindness for strangers with pure unabashed hate for people who:
A. Cut me off.
B. Drive below 70 in the fast lane.
C. Drive like a 145 year-old i.e. so slow you want to kill yourself and when you pass them you see that they can barely see over the steering wheel and look like they might just die any minute.
D. Blast Tom Lichis whilst driving a neon-blue VW Jetta with Vanity Plates that say: "#1 Ninja" (I swear I JUST saw that someone on my way home from TJ's.)
E. Break really hard without break-lights
F. Forget to turn their blinker off.
G. Do not use a blinker.
H. Throw trash out the window, especially when it's a McDonald's Happy Meal. Thanks for the milkshake on the windshield, asshole.
I. Crash into me. (This used to happen to me once every couple months and only once did a rear-ending driver carry insurance. Not cool.)
I could probably sit here all day and list things that drive me nuts about my fellow drivers but I'll stop now. (Feel free to add to the list, by all means.)
Road rage used to be my specialty. I had mastered the art of flipping off the person that most likely didn't have a gun. I was pro at cutting off the asshole who cut me off by switching lanes, pulling back and POW, how do you like me now, buster! My honking instincts were spot-on to the point I was literally honking before anyone could antagonize me to do so and my mouth? I could out-curse a trucker in El Paso Texas (and did once.)
But with a baby in the backseat? Dude. DUUUUUUDE. It's a whole new ballgame. Raging with a child/baby in the car must be handled gingerly, like a delicate flower.
First of all there's no more flipping off random people, even when you're 90% sure they won't have a gun. Second, cutting off the "#1 Ninja" is just plain dumb. He is after all the "#1 Ninja" and may have some Nunchucks or those star-things or something and I'm not going to fuck with that. Speaking of fuck there's no cursing at perverts or dickheads on the road, no matter how many times they stall in their rented Porsche on La Cienega and accidentally front-end you repeatedly until you have to get out of the car and offer nicely to drive for them, because obviously they cannot drive a stick-shift and are trying to impress some chick who appears to have died from an overdose and is foaming at the mouth in the front seat.
Yeah, no cursing. Instead its:
"Effing H!"
"What the H are you Effing Q-ing, you H-ing Y!?"
"I swear to G, I'm going to Eff your face off for being such a sexing Poop!"
"Poop on your Ass-hat!"
"Eff your goose, you Jack-butt, piece of A-dilly!"
"Carping Eff. Watch where you're going you Dumb Donkey!"
Intimidating? Maybe not but as long as you keep the window up and shake your fist several times, your enemy will think you're a real badass. Your road-warrior status will hover in the top 8 percentile of road-warrior badasses and your child's first word will be "Eff-wheels" instead of "Fuck-nut", which for me is well worth it.
GGC
