The Bedtime Wars: Heed the Omen

Archer turned one-year-old and the very next day turned angry. Who knew he would suddenly grow a little temper with little horns and a tail? A red tail. Hot to the touch with a giant spade smashing around, knocking shit over. Okay, so it isn't that bad. He's no spawn of Satan, just an angel turned the wrong way. Upside down and backwards.

Our little bedtime-war goes something like this:

ROUND ONE:

Momz
VS Archer











Momz: Nighty-nite!

Arch: Coo-ca! (Cooper which is the dog's name)

Momz: I'm not Cooper. I'm Mommy. Can you say Mommy?

Arch: (a little annoyed) Coo-ca.

Momz: Okay, fine. Goodnight Coo-ca. (placing Archer gently in his crib.)

Arch: (standing and jumping .5 seconds later) COOOOOOOOOOOOCAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Momz: Nighty night! (sneaks away through hysterical crying)

Five minutes later after pacing and holding my hands over my ears and almost crying from the guilt of leaving my screaming child alone and standing in his crib...

Arch: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHBLOODYMURDERAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Momz: (crying) I can't bear another minute of this!!!!

Arch: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHCOMEGETMEYOUCRAZYBITCH!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Momz: (running to his bedroom so his head doesn't fall off from crying) I'm coming, Bugsy! I'm right (busts door open) here.

Arch: (Stops crying and smiles, laughs and holds arms up) Deet!

Momz: You are such a fake! I don't even see tears. Psh, whateva, I'm outta here. Goodnight. (walks out)

REPEAT X 5 times until...

Arch: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHI'LLTEACHYOUTOLEAVEMEHEREALONE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Momz: You win. You so win. (taking Archer into bed with me) Goodnight.

Arch: Zzzzzzzzzzz (Out like a light)

Archer: 1
Momz: 0

ROUND TWO:

Momz
VS Archer











Momz: Goooooodnight nappy-face!

Arch: Doodah coo-ca lalalalalabababababadaaaadooooooooo.

Momz: Love you too! (creeps out of room)

Arch: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH x infinity

Momz: (walks out on porch with magazine and reads about whatever new diet is happening in VOGUE. Cries because I cannot afford to wear head to toe Chanel around the house all day. Walks back in the house greeted by light-whimpers. Thinks, "yes. I can handle light-whimpers." Handles light-whimpers until SILENCE...)

...tip-toes into Archer's room to find him dead asleep like this:



Or if you prefer, the film:


Video Hosting - Upload Video - Video Sharing


Hunched over like a drunk during naptime and I had won. BY GOD I HAD WON! I gave myself a high-five and whispered very quietly...


"...Heed this Omen, Bugsy."

Current Score:
Archer: 1
Momz: 1

(to be continued)

GGC